JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – OCTOBER 20-21, 2007 – YES, WE DO UNDERSTAND HOW THE LOSS OF FREEDOM MAKES OUR AD SPOUSE FEEL.
On Thursday, I wrote about how helpless and sad I felt because of the arguments my husband and I were having related to his driving. He keeps telling me that I have NO IDEA, NO CLUE, NO UNDERSTANDING, of what it will do to him to lose his license and be locked up in the house as if in prison.

I have heard from support group friends and website friends, all of whom have told me that they have gone through, and many are still going through, the same trials – the AD spouse who screams at them, cries, pouts, tantrums, and spews the same words – “You don’t understand!”

Here is my open letter to MY spouse about what I “understand.” Although these remarks relate to the driving issue, the theme of understanding our spouses applies to any issue.

To My Dear Spouse,

I don’t understand how you feel? Your words are an insult to the 37 years we have spent together. I know you as well or better than you know yourself. I may not understand exactly what it feels like to have Alzheimer’s Disease, but I know what Alzheimer’s Disease is doing to you; I know you; and I know precisely what this driving situation  is doing to your self esteem; your sense of self; your world; and your dignity.

To me, a car is transportation. As long as it has power windows, power locks, air conditioning, and is small enough for me to park, I’m satisfied.

To you, a car and driving represent status, power, speed, and freedom .

From the day I met you, you have been obsessed with cars – their style, accessories, and performance. On our first date, you proudly introduced me to all of the features that YOUR car possessed – air conditioning (not so common in 1969), AND a convertible top; a BUILT IN 8-track tape player (What a luxury at that time!); and the size of a small motor boat – the size of that car was a status symbol in those days. The only thing better would have been a tiny car – like a Porsche or Corvette.

Nothing has changed since 1969. In your mind, the type of car you drive represents your level of success. It says, “Look at how successful I am. Look at they type of car I can afford. Look at the freedom I have.”

Your ability to speed, maneuver, and find your way back and forth from any road in the country has been a source of pride and accomplishment to you. The ability to go anywhere, anytime, with no one to answer to represents adulthood and freedom.

In your mind, the loss of your car and driving ability is equated with the loss of your status as a man and an adult. You think I don’t understand what that will do to your sense of self?  You think I don’t understand that it will make you feel like a punished child who is being “grounded” , for having done nothing to deserve such treatment.

You say it will confine you to “prison” ; that you will never be able to leave the house. That, of course, is not true. There will be plenty of opportunities to go places with me, with friends, to be dropped off at various places with your fellow AD friends.  You are not interested in hearing those solutions. Right now, you are only able to hear – “You should not be driving.” Your brain has shut down to processing any other words.

The doctor will make the final decision, not me. But do not tell me that I do not understand how you feel. From the day we had our first date, we came together to form two parts of a whole. We have lived all of these years with a bond  that has allowed us to know what is in each other’s hearts and minds. AD is slowly taking that ability from you, but it has not taken it from me. It is because I understand you so well that my tears are as much for you as for me.

To my readers – We can’t know what it feels like to have AD. But isn’t it the loving bond we have with our spouses and all the years we have lived with them, that allows us to understand what this disease and its loss of freedoms is doing to them?

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC – We Do Understand Our Spouses’ Emotional Pain

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com