JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2008 – NOWHERE TO TURN

In the beginning of this Alzheimer’s journey, the stress, anxiety, confusion, and emotional pain of finding myself living with a stranger that a disease had replaced with the husband I had loved for most of my life, kept me up at night. Instead of sleeping, I poured my feelings out in writings, which evolved into this website. I have come full circle, as it is now 4 AM; I cannot sleep; and I am pouring my emotions into my writing.

In the 4 ½ years since this nightmare began, I have read, learned, written, and spoken about Alzheimer’s Disease and its effects on marriages and life long relationships. I have struggled, cried, adjusted, altered my entire method of relating to, and dealing with, my husband. I have been screamed at, insulted, ignored, rebelled against. I have endured pouting, whining, crying, and outright rage. All from the man I have lived with and loved for my entire adult life. I have been told by the professionals and veteran Alzheimer spouses to ignore it, go outside for a walk, go into another room, because of course, it is not “him”; it is the DISEASE. It’s always the damn disease.

Well, guess what? The “DISEASE” has taken over my husband so much, that the man I knew is barely recognizable. How do you live with that?

He has informed me that he has tried to live within the boundaries of the life term in prison to which I have sentenced him (i.e. no driving), but he cannot. He will never accept it, and no pill will make him get over it, so he unequivocally refuses to take the increased dosage of anti-depressant that the doctor prescribed. Flatly refuses. He chooses to be depressed, miserable, angry, and take anyone in his path down that road with him. Particularly me.   

I cannot deal with this anymore. He refuses to be helped, so what are my options? I see either divorce or co-existing in the same house with no relationship. How did this happen? How did it come to this? This is not ‘US’. This is not the way we lived for the first 34 years of our marriage. I can no longer relate to this man, whoever he is. I do not know which way to turn or what to do. I just know I cannot go on like this.

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman 

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