JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY/THURSDAY, AUGUST 20/21, 2008 – WHEN LOVE TURNS INTO HATE

This website grew out of the excruciatingly painful emotions I was experiencing as Alzheimer’s Disease crept into my life and began altering my rock solid loving marriage. I could not sleep, was up at night writing about my feelings of confusion, anger, and hurt at the changes in my husband’s personality and behavior brought on by Alzheimer’s Disease. I turned those writings into the Blogs that I continue to write almost every day. I think, part of the reason for the success of this website, is that I have been brutally honest about Alzheimer’s Disease’s destruction of the afflicted, the spousal caregiver, and the marriage.  Hundreds of you have responded that you share my thoughts and emotions.

I foolishly thought that I had finally worked through most of the pain, and come to an understanding and acceptance (of sorts) that my husband and our relationship would never be as it was. I was hoping that we could live somewhat peacefully, as I adjusted to Alzheimer’s Disease by ducking, dodging, ignoring behaviors, insults, and temper outbursts, and responding calmly without arguing, thus avoiding conflict.

That is what I thought until his hurt and rage over the driving loss took hold. Since my face has not dried in a week from the tears shed every day,  I decided to re-read the Blog this morning that tells our love story, to remind me of how strong our love is. One paragraph stood out above all the others –  “What AD has not changed is his love and concern for me. Not a day goes by that he does not take me in his arms and tell me how much he loves and appreciates me – how he hurts to see me have to bear the burden of so much.”

This is no longer the case. Now when I look into his eyes, I see ice cold hatred. He expresses it every day with sarcasm, insults, and indifference. If you are going to tell me that it is the Alzheimer’s Disease talking, I can only respond by saying – I understand that his inability to comprehend WHY he should not be driving is the Alzheimer’s Disease. I accept that. What I cannot accept or bear is his feeling that I have wounded him to the core as surely as if I had an affair; that he has turned that hurt into rage that he is expressing through palpable vibrations of hatred towards me. I see it in his face, in his body language; I hear it in his voice; I feel it in every interaction we have.  It is tearing to shreds what little bit of heart I have left, and he is enjoying every minute of it. He smirks, smiles, and shrugs his shoulders at my tears. It is payback – he is out to hurt me as much as he feels I have hurt him. He has succeeded. Sorry, but this is one time I cannot take everyone’s advice, turn my back, attribute it to Alzheimer’s Disease, and not feel the pain.

The message boards are filled with laments of lost futures, hopes, and dreams due to Alzheimer’s Disease. The one hope Alzheimer’s Disease left me with was that before my husband forgot who I was, his last memories of me would be of love. Alzheimer’s Disease has stolen even that pathetic hope from me. If there is a Hell, it is on earth, and its name is Alzheimer’s Disease.

Please post comments under Message Board Topic: When Love Turns to Hate

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