JOAN’S BLOG, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2008 – THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF LETTING GO

I have come to the realization that the source of my stress, anxiety, and angeris my inability to “let go” of the relationship I have cherished since our first date in November, 1969. How do you give that up? I have written a variety of different blogs on the subject of letting go, mourning the relationship, and getting on with the task of caregiving. But I am finding as it becomes more and more necessary for me to do it, I can’t. I am hanging onto that lifeline of a relationship, and I cannot let it go.  I am operating under the assumption that we are able to share household problems and find solutions together, that we can reason out difficulties and disagreements, that we can engage in meaningful conversations. The fact that it is becoming more and more impossible to live as we always have, is tearing my heart to shreds. The pain is palpable, and it is manifesting itself in my own angry outbursts and sobbing fests.

I have read enough resources and listened to enough social workers and support group friends to know that, in order to save my sanity, I have to give up my desperate attempt to hold onto the past. I have to learn to find the strength and patience to deal with my husband as he is now. Conversations, directions, decisions, change of routine, the unexpected – all of these things stress and confuse him. I cannot share them with him as we have always done.

Learning to relate differently to a spouse who has been your lover, friend, and partner since Richard Nixon was president seems emotionally insurmountable. It goes back to the blog that highlighted the article on the Emotional Divorce. I do not think I will ever be able to accomplish that, nor do I want to. What I have to do is realize that I must relate to my husband on his level, and put my own needs for a level partnership into the attic trunk of memories. The emotional pain is worse than I ever could have imagined. I am struggling to bear it. 

I am looking for words of wisdom from my readers who have managed to go through this part of the journey and survive.  Please respond on the Message Board Topic –HOW DO YOU LET GO?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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