JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – OCTOBER 24-26, 2008 – RESPECTING THE FEARS OF OUR SPOUSES

I had a plan for Saturday. I was going to drive BY MYSELF to Miami – at least a 2 hour trip. Those of you who read my blogs on a regular basis know me well enough to know that I would NEVER drive that distance in crazy traffic without a very good reason. The reason is Ruth, who lives in Miami. She is my oldest (we prefer to say “longest known”) friend. We met in the first grade, and have been close friends ever since. I was going to surprise her by showing up at her 60th (ladies only) birthday luncheon. She would not be expecting me, because she knows I would never drive that distance.

Friends were going to pick up Sid and take him out with them to the movies and dinner, so he would not be stuck in the house alone all day. So far, so good, right? Not so fast.

Sid was ADAMANT that he could not let me drive alone that distance. He would worry himself sick that I would get into an accident; that crazy people on the road would cut me off; that rain was expected, and it is dangerous to drive in the rain. His solution – he would come with me. Besides the fact that I was looking forward to this day for myself, I could not quite figure out how him sitting in the passenger seat would prevent any of his doomsday scenarios.

BEFORE AD, his concern for my safety in cases of traveling distances alone was always an issue, but I usually argued or reasoned my way out of it, and went anyway. I was in the midst of doing the same this time, when I realized that not only was reasoning with him now out of the question, but that he had legitimate fears for my safety, as well as for his own future, should something happen to me. He expressed it clearly – “What will happen to me if something happens to you? I’m dead without you. If there is an accident, I want to die with you.” It broke my heart, and I realized that now it is more important for me to respect his feelings than express my independence. There will be many years when I will be completely independent, and wish he were here worrying about me. I realize that I am luckier than many of you, because my husband is often able to express his feelings. When he does, I feel that I should respect them.

I had to spoil the surprise, and call Ruth to tell her that I was coming, to make sure that her husband was going to be home, so Sid could spend the afternoon with him.

Saturday is going to be more of an adventure than I thought. Not only am I driving to Miami, I am doing it with Mr. Criticism in the passenger seat. Then I have to drive home. Before it gets dark, since I can’t see well in the dark.  Good luck to me.

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

View Printer Friendly Version

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved