JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2008 – SOMETIMES A PAT ON THE HAND IS ALL WE CAN OFFER

I am starting with a little story today that may seem off topic, but I can assure you, if you stick with me, it is quite relevant to Alzheimer’s Disease.

Many years ago, I was going through far more than the just the usual “teenage trouble” with my 14 year-old son . I was running from one psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, and social worker to the next, looking for help. I was at an emotional breaking point. Sid was working day and night, and I was pretty much alone in searching for assistance. In a telephone conversation with a dear friend, I mentioned that I had to go to another agency that day. She said she would not let me go alone, came to the house, and as I was bent over the kitchen table in despair, I felt her hand on my back, rubbing lightly. That was 20 years ago, and I never forgot the comfort that simple gesture gave me. As you are all aware, things did turn out well, and that 14 year-old is now my support, website technical advisor, married to a wonderful woman, and settled in a city he loves – San Francisco.

All of us who write on the message boards try to give advice and information, but as I think back to that calming touch, it reminds me that in trying to help fellow spouses through this Alzheimer journey, sometimes all we can offer is an ear to listen, a hand to hold, a hug, a soft touch.

These thoughts came to me last night, because I had not heard from a friend of mine in 2 weeks – she had traveled up North to her mother’s funeral, but I was sure she must be home by now. I was worried because her husband has Alzheimer’s Disease, advanced cancer, and was scheduled to begin chemotherapy. When I called her, she sounded so down and depressed – the chemo was not going well – her husband was very ill from it, and not eating or drinking. We have discussed this – she knows where this is leading in just a few months if the chemo does not work out. I felt so helpless. There is nothing I could do for either of them. And then I remembered what my friend did for me all those years ago. I told her that I would come over this week, keep her company, and hold her hand. What else can I do? I hope it will give her the comfort it gave me so long ago.

I thought – this website’s message boards are the 21st century’s version of a pat on the hand or a light back rub – often there is no answer for our struggles, but knowing someone is there to offer that hand may be enough for that moment it is needed.

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman

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