JOAN’S BLOG – Wednesday, April 09, 2008 – NORMAL IN PUBLIC

This latest trip, from which we returned yesterday, made me question the perplexity of Alzheimer’s Disease more than ever. I have cried oceans of tears over the loss of the man and relationship I cherished for more than 30 years. I have screamed in frustration and anger at his forgetfulness, confusion, inability to follow conversations, lack of focus, temper tantrums, and lack of impulse control.  My friends and relatives in distant States have heard my tales of woe and read my Blogs. 

So what happens when we gather with those relatives and friends in Rhode Island last week? Nothing in public in front of them.  Absolutely nothing.  The disease that has possessed my husband and our lives for almost 5 years, seemed to disappear for 5 days, at least in public.

On Friday night, at my father’s birthday dinner, he sat with 10 relatives in a restaurant, and seemed to have no problem conversing appropriately with the ones sitting on either side of him.

Every morning, he asked me what we were doing that day, regardless of the fact that I had told him the day before, and the night before. Every day, he asked me the names of people and places he could not remember. Then we walked out of the hotel room, gathered together with 5 other relatives in my parent’s new ALF to help them set up, and he helped direct the plug ins and furniture arrangements, appearing to have no difficulty with reciprocal conversations or following and giving directions.

On Sunday afternoon, we met at a restaurant with two couples we have been friends with for over 30 years. Although I was busy talking with the women, and could not hear all of the men’s conversation, my husband seemed to be making appropriate comments and appeared to follow the discussion, which revolved around the men’s careers of complex finances, travel, and global retail operations.

I kept thinking to myself – What is going on here? Have I been living in an Alternate Universe? Why is he able to do this, and then go back to the hotel with me and not remember where he put his jacket?

When I tried to discuss this baffling phenomenon with him, he said that a few times during the conversation with the men, he did have to ask them to repeat some things because he had forgotten what was said. He told me that he was trying very hard to follow the conversation, and thought he had done a good job, then promptly forgot all but two pieces of information from the discussion.

He is excellent at concealing his problem for a short time in public. No one knows the energy expended in his attempts to follow a conversation and infuse appropriate comments. No one knows that 90% of what was said is forgottenwithin the hour.  No one hears the later questions, sees the confusion, or is aware of the constant questions with which I am later bombarded.

You may wonder why I should care that he appears so unafflicted in public. Those of you with spouses in more advanced stages may be thinking how lucky I am, and that you wish your spouse was that capable. You have an excellent point.

I guess I just do not appreciate looking like the liar and over –reacting drama queen I discussed in last August’s Blog about the AD patient’s ability to conceal their disability in public.

There is an important point that I have not yet mentioned, that may play a role in all of this. We grew up in Rhode Island; our parents never left. His late parents lived within minutes of my dad and step mom. He is completely familiar with the area. We stayed in the same hotel and same room as the September Rhode Island trip; we ate in the same restaurant every day that we ate in on the last trip. We visited with no one we have known for less than 32 years. He was faced with no changes and no surprises. Familiarity and routine are essential to someone with AD. Since he had both on this trip, I am assuming that is what smoothed the way, and made it easier for him to function so well in public.

Have any of you experienced this “public perfection” phenomenon? Do you find it occurring with familiar people and places, or is your spouse able to “hold it together” with strangers in unfamiliar places?

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