JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY/FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20/21, 2008 – MAD AT THE WORLD – MY AD HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

As many of you are aware, I always try to offer a voice to the other side – to our spouses who are suffering with this terrible Alzheimer’s Disease. It is not always possible, as those with the disease often have difficulty expressing their ideas and feelings. We have been privileged to hear from Richard Taylor, Ph.D, (Blog #19, #54, ) who has been living with AD for at least 7 years; we were recently blessed with the insightful writing of one of our member’s husbands (Living in an Evil Fog by David Howe) on his view of his AD world; and at least one time, my own husband has been able to enlighten us with his thoughts (Blog #101- This blog was before he stopped driving, so his statements do not apply to the driving).

From my recent blogs, you know that we are having a tough time here. Sid cannot and will not accept his driving loss. Yesterday’s blog discussed his mood swings. Those that swing in the direction of anger and depression are directly related to the driving loss.

We had what I considered a revealing moment yesterday, seemingly unrelated to the driving issue. It had to do with his laptop computer, which is now in the same computer hospital as mine was a few weeks ago. When I called to inquire as to its status, I was told that the technician who handles its particular problem would not be in until Thursday. When I told Sid, he lost his temper, screaming that he could not be without his computer, and if it were my computer, I would be putting up a big fuss. He needed it; he wanted it; and all of this fury was directed at me, as if it were my fault. I asked him why he was angry at me, since I was not the one fixing the computer. That is when the truth revealed itself – “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the world,” he retorted.

To me, that one statement explained his entire life and emotional state since the Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I could have pursued the issue, and attempted to engage in a deeper discussion concerning his feelings. Maybe I should have. But I did not, because, perhaps selfishly, I was not up for another hours long retread of arguing, sobbing (from both of us) and his rehashing of how I have destroyed his life by revoking his freedom, and the doctor is wrong in backing me up on the “no driving” edict.

But I did give his statement a lot of thought. From his perspective, there is nothing wrong with him, except his short term memory and slightly slower processing. He sees nothing wrong with his judgment, reasoning, or decision making. Placing myself in his shoes, if I saw myself in that manner, I would be furious at the doctors, my spouse, my social workers – the entire world – for restricting my freedoms, particularly since everyone in the outside world  tells me they see nothing wrong with me. I would be angry and confused, and would probably lash out at anyone in my path, as he does, by taking every opportunity to tell everyone he meets that his wife does not know how to drive; that she is a “wimp” because she cannot see well in the dark; that she can’t park; can’t, can’t, can’t do anything right related to driving. He is trying to hold onto the faculties and abilities he does still retain, is fighting this disease with every weapon available to him, and only sees others placing roadblocks in his path.  Thus, he is “mad at the world”.

There is not much I can do to help him, except offer him opportunities to tackle jobs that he is capable of doing, and doing well. In these cases, I heap praise upon him. Unfortunately, he does not remember the praise. He only remembers the restrictions.  

Once again, I have no answers, but I feel that it is always worthwhile to get a glimpse into our spouse’s world.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Mad at the World

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