JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, MAY 5, 2008 – DEALING WITH AD SPOUSAL INSULTS AND TAUNTING

I have spent the last year and a half coming to grips with the realization that my marriage and relationship with my husband will never be the same as it was before Alzheimer’s Disease. The pain this has caused me has been the subject of numerous Blogs ( #87, #107, #129). But no matter how much I think I have accepted the fact that I must now relate to the “disease”, not the man I knew as my husband, something always happens that slaps me in the face and tears away the scab I though was forming over my emotions.

Because his impulse control is limited, and he has no memory of the many discussions we have had concerning any hurtful statements he has made toward me, they keep occurring.

The man I have been married to for almost 38 years would never insult, berate, or demean me in public or private. If he ever inadvertently made a hurtful remark, a simple discussion about it was all it took for it to never happen again.  Not so anymore. Intellectually, I know this is the diseased brain talking, but how does one bear up emotionally to taunts and insults that he cannot control blurting out; nor can he remember that I have repeatedly told him they hurt me?

To be honest, I get very tired trying to continually insulate myself from the hurt and anger his statements cause me; to insulate myself from my feelings. How often can you tell yourself – “It’s not my spouse talking; it’s not my spouse I am relating to – it’s the Disease- divorce yourself from the emotional connection, and deal only with the disease.

It seems to me it’s a “damned if I do; damned if I don’t” situation. If I insulate myself from the hurt, by relating only to the “disease”, aren’t I also insulating myself from feeling love and emotions? How can that be good? I am asking questions because I have no answers. I want this all to go away. I don’t want do deal with Alzheimer’s Disease and it’s destruction. I want my life with my husband back.

I doubt that I am the only one with these conflicting thoughts and emotions. Have any of you had to deal with insults and taunts from your spouse? How do you protect yourself from feeling the hurt? 

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: How do you insulate yourself from the hurt?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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