JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2008 – HOW MUCH HURT DO WE HAVE TO ENDURE?

I am beginning to think I have been handed a life sentence to the Land of Insanity with no possibility of parole. There are days, and yesterday was one of them, when I think I am going to die of crushing emotional pain.

On May 5th, I wrote a Blog entitled Dealing with AD Insults and Taunting. That was about 6 weeks ago. I talked about how my husband’s lack of impulse control led him to insult and taunt me, and keep on doing it, because he had no memory of my pleas to stop, nor had he any memory of ever doing it. I questioned why we spouses had to put up with such behavior and bear such pain just because they have Alzheimer’s Disease? The Message Board Topic filled up with discussions on the subject.

Since that time, although I have hated it, I have “let go” some of the minor taunts. Let me clarify. Before AD, I NEVER would have considered them minor, but since they have been in the privacy of our own home, and he stopped at one or two, rather than kept at it with no “off” switch, as is often the case, I kept quiet. A verbal reminder and a laser glare that could kill at 50 feet has been enough to shut him up in public.

But last night was a carbon copy of what happened 6 weeks ago. He started insulting me- the same exact insults on the same subject, and no matter what I said, the “Off” switch was stuck. In his mind, he was offering “constructive criticism”.  Once again, emotional pain superseded patience, and I lost control, screaming at him to stop; that he had already said the same things; that we had discussed his not doing it again; that he had agreed not to do it again. (How stupid can I be, thinking that he will remember?) The result was total confusion and disbelief on his part. He, of course, had no memory of the previous confrontation, and what we ended up with was the two of us crying and cursing Alzheimer’s Disease.

It is times like these that I just cannot believe I am living this life.

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