JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, MARCH, 21, 2008 -ARE WE HELPING OUR SPOUSES TO BE IN DENIAL?

We are told by the experts – doctors, social workers, counselors – do not draw attention to your spouse’s forgetfulness. If they forget to turn off the lights; to put something back into the refrigerator; to shut the garage door; to turn off the grill; DO NOT BRING IT TO THEIR ATTENTION – just go around the house shutting off, putting back, closing, and cleaning up. Bringing it to their attention will accomplish nothing but make them feel bad, and they’ll forget to do whatever it is the next time anyway.

Okay. I have been doing what I’ve been told. I don’t find it problematic to shut off, put back, close, and clean up. I really don’t. It’s hardly a blip on the radar screen of more important issues.

HOWEVER, since I have been doing all of these little “clean-ups”, my husband thinks he’s doing great. So why is that a problem, you may ask? You wrote a blog (see below - 3/18/08), about boosting your spouse’s self-esteem.  Aren’t your silent “put backs” part of that strategy?  Yes, I want to keep his self-esteem in tact, but now that he thinks he is doing so well, he does not understand the limits I try to put on him.

Today was a great example. He had to go to one of his many doctors – he did not want me to go with him – he insisted if I gave him a list of concerns and a list of his medications, he could handle it. After all, he’s doing great, isn’t he? Even though I’ve been told not to argue with him, and I have been better about it, I argued. Well, let’s not call it “argue”. Let’s call it “gentle persuasion” .  To no avail. Off he went to the doctor with his lists.

He came home, and do I need to tell you that he could not remember what the doctor told him?  I, who should know when to keep my mouth shut by now, said, “Why didn’t you write down what the doctor said? The answer was, “Well, you KNOW I can’t listen and remember and write at the same time. YOU SHOULD HAVE COME WITH ME!”  

YIKES!!!!! So I’ve done what I have been told – I don’t tell him when he constantly forgets. The result is that he is in more denial about how serious his situation is, and the areas of his life that are affected by it. And I’m in the dog house anyway. Being the spouse of an Alzheimer patient is a NO WIN situation.

REMINDER - WE WILL BE OUT TOMORROW (3/22/08)FROM 10 AM - 4PM AT PUBLIX SUPERMARKET FOR AN ALZHEIMER'S FUNDRAISER. STOP BY, DONATE, AND CHAT WITH ME IF YOU ARE IN THE AREA - ST. LUCIE WEST BLVD., PORT ST.LUCIE, FLORIDA. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.

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