JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY/WEDNESDAY- APRIL 1-2, 2008 – WHEN THE DISTANT FAMILY SAYS YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!

You, the loving, caring, doing-it-all, doing-it-all of the time, doing it for years, physically and emotionally distraught spouse, are doing it all wrong.  How dare you put “Daddy/Mommy” into Day Care? How dare you put sister/brother into a NURSING HOME, FOR GOD’S SAKE? You are exaggerating their condition. You are NOT taking good enough care of them. WE see them at least twice a year, and WE see that you’re not doing a good job, and you’re sending them away so you can have time to your selfish self to do whatever you want.

Does this sound like your family? If it does, let me assure you, you are NOT ALONE. This Blog was prompted by an e-mail I received from someone who is going through a similar scenario. She thought she was the only one who had to bear what I call “family member abuse” until she read some of our Message Board posts.

I am aware of another situation in which the caregiver wife needs surgery, and her husband’s adult children (who live 1200 miles away) are too busy to take him for a couple of weeks, but are horrified that she would consider placing him in overnight respite while she is IN SURGURY and weeks of recovery.

Since I am always honest and up front with you, I will tell you now that I know of no solutions to these family denial/blame/ refuse to help situations, except one. It is drastic, and it was suggested by my own AD husband, who was  that his friend’s children refused to help their step-mom in her time of need. He said she should call them up, tell them what flight their father was on, and to pick him up at the airport. She was going to the hospital. At this writing, I am not sure what has been decided in this case.

Relatives who are not living with the AD afflicted cannot understand the depth and breadth of the disease, but it still angers me that they question the level of care needed, and the quality of care being given by the beleaguered spouse. I would think (or am I being naïve?) that if you did not know the seriousness of the situation, you would educate yourself about the disease and take the word of the person trying to cope with it.

No one knows what it is to be a 24/7 caregiver unless they have done it; no one knows what it is to bear the pain of an Alzheimer’s induced disappearing marriage unless they have lived it; and certainly no one who has not been crushed by the burden of both could ever understand it. We, here at thealzheimerspouse.com, absolutely understand and assure those of you who are dealing with the “relative issue” that you are not alone.

To those of you who have found solutions that worked in dealing with family members in refusal and denial, please share them with us on our Message Board topic – The Family Says You are Wrong.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

View Printer Friendly Version

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved