JOAN’S BLOG – Wednesday/Thursday, March 26/27, 2008 – THE DISAPPEARING CONVERSATION

In prefacing this Blog, there is an interesting fact about my family I would like you to know – My sister traveled from her home in Rhode Island to Indiana, to visit a childhood friend for a week. While there, she met a young man, with whom she hit it off quite nicely.  When she returned home, she and this young man began calling each other on the phone. They had lengthy, weekly conversations over a period of many months, until she returned to Indiana for another visit. They had gotten to know each other so well through those conversations, that they fell in love, and when they saw each other again on her second visit, made the decision to marry. She returned home again, and the telephone conversations continued for many more months, until the day her fiancé arrived in RI for the wedding. In June of 2008, they will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

Now, why, you may be asking, is she bothering to tell us this story, romantically sweet that it may be?  I am telling it to illustrate the value of conversation in getting to know someone’s personality, heart, dreams, and emotions. I am not discounting one’s deeds and actions in determining their nature, but through deep, lengthy, all encompassing conversation, we are often able to take the “measure of the man/woman”, as the cliché goes.

Through the years, haven’t you and your spouse nurtured your bond through conversations about philosophies of life, religion, politics, family, and whatever other mutual interests you may share?

So what happens when Alzheimer’s Disease robs your spouse of the ability to converse on a meaningful level? It seems to me that this leaves us to experience three different emotions– frustration, heartbreak, and loneliness. Frustration when your conversational partner confuses, mixes up, and forgets everything you say; and heartbreak when they are no longer even able to do that much – when they just sit, stare, and smile. The loneliness is yours to bear on both levels of functioning, because although different, both levels leave you alone, with no one to share conversation.

We are at the frustration level here. Sid has been able to explain to me that the reason he misinterprets so much of what people say, and then answers inappropriately, is because it takes him so long to process oral language - that he is still trying to process and remember the first few words, when the other person has finished speaking. So we end up with a conversation similar to the one below, that confuses me as much as him. I am often left wondering – “Did I say that? I didn’t think that’s what I said. It certainly isn’t what I meant.” (The conversation below is fictional - used for illustration purposes only- an actual conversation would be too long and confusing to print.):

Spouse: We went to the zoo yesterday and saw elephants.

AD spouse: Elephants? We don’t have any elephants here.

It is extremely frustrating for both spouses – the AD spouse who cannot understand what is being said, and the caregiving spouse who cannot make themselves understood without first getting the other person’s attention; speaking one simple, basic sentence at a time; and then checking to make sure it was understood. This puts reciprocal discourse on life support.

The heartbreak level, when your spouse is barely able to communicate at all, kills it completely. Whichever level you are on, the result is the loss of the conversational bond, and loneliness on both sides. Just one more miserable outcome of Alzheimer’s Disease’s impact on marriage.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: The Disappearing Conversation

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