JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, JULY 11, 2008 – OUR COUNSELING SESSIONS TO DEAL WITH “THE END OF DRIVING”

To say that the past few days in my house have been difficult is akin to saying that the Vietnam War caused “a bit of tension”  in this country. Only because I had finally “crossed over” into acceptance that the husband I knew was gone, and I HAD to respond to the Alzheimer’s Disease that replaced him (see Wednesday’s blog below), have I been able to deal with this situation and still be standing on my feet.

My husband, however, had no such epiphany of understanding on his part. His rage, anger, rebellion, depression, and emotional pain over having to give up driving, knew no boundaries, and were directed mostly at me. The first day or two were filled with ranting, screaming, crying, and full blown dark rage. Yesterday he went into teenage rebellion mode, barely spoke to me, and when I did ask him a question about where he wanted go, what he wanted to eat, or to help decide on food for a party we are having(for Patrick, of the Caregiver Cruises),  always responded sullenly with the same answer, “Whatever you want. I don’t count. My life is over.” And a few other choice phrases in the same vein.

Because I knew I was dealing with the Alzheimer Devil, and not Sid, I did not take the bait. I ignored him, and counted the hours until the counseling appointments. At 2 PM, yesterday afternoon, Sid’s counselor came to the house, and I went out to meet mine.

First I want tell everyone that if you have a social worker or counselor who is experienced in dealing with Alzheimer patients, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEIR SERVICES. If I could clone Sid’s counselor, I would release an army of her and send them all to you. In whatever positions I had held in my 25 years in Special Education, I worked in a professional capacity with scores of social workers, psychologists, and counselors. I have never met one who is as good as the one who works with Sid. By the time I returned from my session a couple of hours later, she was just getting ready to leave. I could see the change in his face and body language. Although he was in desperate emotional pain, the rage and rebellion had dissipated, replaced by an agreement to work with, not against me. Yes, today is a new day, and he remembers nothing of the SPECIFICS of what she said to him; but he does remember her compassion, understanding, and that he has to make the effort to cooperate, not hibernate in anger and resentment. For that, she is worth her weight in gold. No, I amend that statement. She doesn’t weigh much. She is worth MY weight in gold.

Now for my counseling experience. She has been telling me for months that I needed to “let go” of my husband, and respond to the disease. When I saw her yesterday, she said that I should have called her months ago for individual counseling. I told her what I am telling you, and what I believe to be the only truth possible. No one, not me, not you, not anyone, can be helped by a counselor, social worker, or any other professional TELLING them to “let go.” That realization has to come on your own. It took me 18 months of such horrific emotional pain that only when my own life and sanity were at stake did I give in. One does not release decades of a strong, loving partnership just because a professional tells you to do it. Honestly, I don’t think 18 months was that long, considering the 38 year investment in the Joan and Sid team known as “US”.

The next step after the “letting go” is to learn the strategies of dealing with an irrational Alzheimer patient with diminished cognition and comprehension. That is what my counselor teaches. As I mentioned in Wednesday’s blog below, I have had 25 years of experience in dealing with language impaired, brain damaged, rebellious, cognitively diminished children, a large majority of whom came from dysfunctional families, and many of whom were gang members. So I am fortunate that with all I am going through, I don’t have to learn any of those techniques. But you will, and I will put up a section on the left side of the website for you.

My counseling session was cathartic, and I will call on her expertise and advice if I need to add techniques to my repertoire. The next step will be for Sid’s counselor or both of them to see us together for at least one or two sessions. We will certainly need help in navigating these new waters together, and they are the captains with the knowledge to guide us.  

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Counseling to Cope

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