JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2008 – APPRECIATING THE SPOUSE WE HAVE

Something happened recently that made me realize just how important it is to appreciate whatever good qualities remain in the spouse we love. (See Blog below- Remembering and Caring for the Positives in Your Spouse). I have a dear friend in Massachusetts, whose husband was just diagnosed with a rapidly spreading, advanced stage, inoperable cancer. On Monday night, another friend called to tell me that he was back in the hospital with an infection, and time is running out. The news was obviously praying on my mind when I went to bed, because I had a terrible nightmare that my husband had died. I woke up sweating, shaking, and reaching out to assure myself that he was still alive, sleeping next to me.

That was when it struck me – We must love and appreciate whatever is left of themselves, their personality, their abilities. When we complain that they ask the same questions over and over again, there is someone whose spouse cannot speak; when we are stressed because they set the table incorrectly, there is someone whose spouse does not know the function of a fork; when we get angry because they follow us around the house, there is someone whose spouse does not know who they are; when we complain that no one else sees their AD disability, there is someone whose spouse is so disabled by AD that it cannot be denied by anyone who sees them.  And when we despair over the loneliness we feel because our spouses can no longer converse with us as they once did, there is someone whose spouse has died- as one of our readers told me -  throughout their AD journey, she thought she knew what it meant to be alone. Not until he died, did she know the true meaning of loneliness. 

Every stage of this disease, from the very beginning to the bitter end, has its stresses and challenges, but we must always remember that the person we fell in love with resides deep inside that damaged brain, and we must love and appreciate whatever parts of them are still functioning.

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