JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2008 – THE TRAGEDY OF AD – LEFT WITH APPRECIATING THE EARLIER STAGES

If someone had told me five years ago, when my husband’s Alzheimer symptoms became too obvious and serious to attribute to “stress” anymore, that I would yearn for those days again, I would have screamed in frustration at them. 

In the beginning, it seemed an insurmountable task to adjust to my “new husband”, the one who told the same story to the same person over and over again; the one who forgot every conversation we had; who became confused by 3-step directions; who asked the same questions 3 times a day. I was angry, frustrated, and hurt. I wanted the “old husband” back. The one with whom I could have substantive conversations, and he would REMEMBER them; the one with whom I could REASON, compromise, and tackle solutions together. I could not imagine anything worse than the way I was then being forced to live.

Alzheimer Surprise! Things got worse. Much worse. At first, I thought the temper tantrums were unbearable. That was before the sneers; the insults; the taunting. Finally, when his black rages erupted, my emotional health spiraled downward, and I literally did not think I could live through them.

I find it so ironic that now, with the rages under control, I am no longer frustrated by the repetitive questions, the confused looks, the necessity for explaining information in separate simple steps. They surely sadden me, but they have become a way of life to which I have adjusted.

Whatever benefit he received from the one BAP infusion before being dropped from the trial, seems to have worn off. I consider it a reversal, not a decline, since he has reverted to his level of functioning before the infusion, but does not seemed to have declined further. Another irony that I would rate “reversal”, rather than further “decline” as a positive.

Is this how it is to be with this Alzheimer’s Disease – we long for what we could not previously tolerate?  Will I yearn for irrational conversation when there is no longer any conversation? Will I long for repetitive questions when he can no longer speak? Will I wish for confusion when there is blankness? 

I dread the future, while trying to appreciate what we have now. It is difficult. These thoughts have made me very sad today. I just cannot be upbeat and positive every single day of this disease, and this is one of them.

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman

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