TO NEW READERS.
I invite you to read and relate:Welcome Blog-The truth no one talks about - What happens to your marriage when you realize that Alzheimer's Disease has changed the person you fell in love with - you are now married to a stranger. Meeting Our Emotional Needs-What to do when your spouse is no longer your partner, cheerleader, lover, and friend? Resentment -Having to do it all; being married to a child instead of a partner; loneliness. Information for the Newly Diagnosed - great information to set you in the right direction. CLICK HERE for entire list of Blog topics. Blogs are kept on the front page for a period of 2-4 weeks, and are then placed in the "Previous Blog" section on the left side of the website. Please be sure to check all of the sections on the left side of the website for valuable information.

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JOAN’S BLOG – 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND, 2008 – A RESPITE FROM STRESS

We caregivers of our AD spouses are under MASSIVE amounts of stress, as are all family caregivers of Alzheimer patients. This website is here to provide us spouses with support, information, and a deep understanding of each other’s inner most emotions that no other family member could comprehend.

Although today is a holiday – July 4th – Independence Day – we are always open. All of our informative topics on the left side can be accessed at any time of day or night. You can find support on our Message Boards 24/7.

But on this holiday weekend, I would like to offer all of us a “respite from stress” , even if it is for the few moments you are online. Laughter and smiles are good stress relievers, so please take a look at this selection of videos, chosen to put a smile on your face and a little laughter in your heart:

 CLICK VIDEO TITLES BELOW THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE AND RELIEVE YOUR STRESS:

Snowball - Another One Bites the Dust

Boxing Fan Cat

Very Funny Dogs6

Talking Cat Saying Hello

Sliding Doberman

SMILE -

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JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY, JULY 3, 2008 – AN INITIAL SUCCESS

First let me thank all of you fabulous people for the emotional support and validation you gave me yesterday on the message boards and in the e-mails. My decision to finally accept the changes Alzheimer’s Disease forced on my marriage has caused me enormous heartache, but your understanding, as only another spouse can understand, has given me strength.

So here I am today to report a first success as a result of dealing with the AD brain, as opposed to the husband I used to have. I woke up yesterday morning, knowing I was going to have to deal with the “driving issue" AGAIN. It had to do with renewing the car insurance.  It is too complicated to go into all the details, which are not the point anyway. The point is that it is a hot button (more like sizzling) topic for him, and he started to go off the deep end again. By now, you know the scenario – I am the villain; I am taking his life and freedom away, etc. etc. etc. In my old life (i.e. two days ago, before I had my revelation), I would have tried to reason with him, but today I looked at him, and instead of my husband, I saw his AD entangled brain that knows no reason. I told him I understood how he felt, and left it at that. No arguing, no screaming, no idiotic attempt on my part to extract rationality out of him. Although I was very sad that I could not talk to my “husband”, I felt tremendous relief that a blood pressure explosion  (mine) was avoided.

There is more to this, of course.  As well as crushing sadness at losing the husband I had, there is resentment. Mine. A lot of it.  I will address that issue in a Blog next week.

With all the theatrics going on here, I almost forgot that tomorrow is a holiday – July 4th – Independence Day. If it does not pour tonight( Summer is Florida’s rainy season – thunder, lightening, and torrential rains most afternoons and evenings), we will go into Town Square for a little music, a little food, and fireworks . Check in tomorrow for my July 4th Blog and a few stress reliever videos.

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JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008 – I’VE ACCEPTED THE RELATIONSHIP CHANGE – NOW TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITH IT.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I finally got it. After over a year of everyone telling me to “let go” of the old relationship; it’s not going to work the way it did for all of those decades; stop trying to relate to your husband as the spouse he was; stop trying to reason with him; stop trying to expect him to make decisions with you; stop trying to expect him to understand deep conversation; stop, stop, stop, I finally got it.  I don’t like it, but I got it.

All of the advice from veteran spouses, social workers , doctors, conferences, seminars, and books, could not penetrate my head and heart as much as reading the article I mentioned in yesterday’s Blog – “Understanding the Dementia Experience” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. I think it may have been the way she was able to grant me entrance into the Alzheimer brain from the patient’s perspective, that made me realize I was not going to win against this disease. It invaded my husband’s brain; his reasoning; his rationality; his comprehension; his view of the universe, and it forced us out of the circle we have inhabited together for almost 4 decades. It forced us to live in separate circles.

I understand that he cannot be flexible, make changes, understand my reasoning, remember what we shared the day before. I understand that I have to make the concessions and adjustments in order for us both to live in some sort of harmony. And believe me, if the choice is between continued meltdowns as I experienced last week, or making concessions, I’ll make the concessions. I have no choice. I cannot go on in this constant state of emotional turmoil.

Last night Sid and I were having a screaming argument, I was gasping for breath in the midst of what felt like a blood pressure explosion, and I WAS ASLEEP! I was having a nightmare, and when I awoke, still shaking with anger, I knew I had to give up on trying to hold onto our old methods of relating, or the stress from the effort of it was going to kill me.

So folks, I get it.  To say that I am depressed at the thought of losing a relationship that has met all of my needs since I was 21 years old, is somewhat of an understatement. Many of you are behind me on this journey, so knowing this is ahead of you is probably not the highlight of your day. Many of you are ahead of me on this journey, and have gone through this. I know you did not ask for it; do not like it; but are somehow managing. My question is HOW? As you go through your daily life, answering the repetitive questions; ignoring the irrationality; making all of the decisions yourself;  making surface conversation; explaining simple information in step by step detail; living in their world, which is only for the day, with no dreams or expectations for the future, and NOT losing patience over it, how are YOUR emotional and intellectual needs being met? 

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Living Your New Life - Joan's Blog- 7/2/08

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JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY/TUESDAY, JUNE 30/JULY 1, 2008 – ONE DAY AT A TIME – A NEW TWIST. - I posted this so late on Monday, that I am carrying it over to Tuesday for those who did not get a chance to read it.

If there are any of you out there who have tried to lose weight, stop smoking, or quit drugs or alcohol, you are quite familiar with the phrase “one day at a time”. In the context of attempting to conquer one of the aforementioned addictions, the phrase means not to berate yourself about the dozen chocolate donuts you ate yesterday, or worry about losing 50 lbs. for the cruise next year (You can pretty much guess which “addiction” I struggle with) Just concentrate on not eating, drinking, smoking, or drugging FOR TODAY.

When it comes to coping with the behaviors of an Alzheimer spouse and the massive amount of stress they cause us, the phrase “one day at a time” takes on a slightly different twist. No matter how much I read online, learn from conferences I attend, or absorb from my support group, I continually struggle to cope with my husband’s irrational reasoning, anger, confusion, lack of comprehension, and repetitious questions. Making my tension and anxiety worse, is the fact that I carry my own anger, frustration, and stress over from one day to the next. Reading Jennifer Ghent-Fuller’s article, “Understanding the Dementia Experience” which I recommended in today’s  “Notice”, reminded me what I already know, but have been unable or unwilling to accept and adjust to - the AD patient only has TODAY.

TODAY they struggle every minute to remember what was said to them 5 minutes ago; to comprehend what they do remember; to handle the frustration and fear in the face of their rapidly declining abilities; to try to make sense of their confusion; and to cope with constant reminders and sometimes criticism of their inadequacies.

TOMORROW, although you have not forgotten the hurt and aggravation of the day before, they have. They start all over again forgetting the day’s events; getting confused; becoming frustrated. We had a few incidents over the weekend of my husband getting confused, forgetting to do something, and berating himself for being what he called “stupid.” It made me realize just how difficult life is becoming for him. Suddenly, or FINALLY, as so many of my support group friends would tell me, I realized that I have to live in his “one day at a time”  world. I have to deal with whatever comes up that day as if it had not happened every day for the last year. Reminding him of the previous arguments, trying to reason with him, reminding him that I already told him the answer to that question 5 days in a row, is serving only to anger him and stress me. He forgets the questions, anger, and frustration of TODAY. My inability to do the same, has caused me so much stress and resentment that I am making myself physically ill as well as emotionally distraught.

So TODAY,  I understood that it was futile to argue and reason with him; that he really did not remember the answer to the questions he asked; and that keeping the peace TODAY is going to be the only way I will be able to retain my sanity. Let’s hope I remember to do the same TOMORROW.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC - ONE DAY AT A TIME

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Click Below for Most Recent Blogs:

My Emotional Meltdown - June 25, 2008

Becoming a One Car Family - The catalyst for trouble - June 26, 2008

Communication Breakdown - More fuel for marital destruction - June 27, 2008

The Comfort Zone - This website as a place of comfort to speak your mind on spousal issues - June 21/22, 2008

FOR MORE BLOGS, SCROLL UP, AND CLICK ON "PREVIOUS BLOGS" ON LEFT SIDE OF WEBSITE.